I wrote this poem a while back, it always seemed kind of like song lyrics to me.
Fade
----------------------------------------------------
Thousand little eyes lying on the floor
-----Never gonna see myself no more
----------Shattered Dreams…
---------------Broken Hearts…
--------------------All is done…
-------------------------Before it starts…
Everything drains away from me
-----Taste the salt, smell the sea
----------Current ebbs…
---------------Water flows…
--------------------Where I go…
-------------------------No one knows…
And the twilight fades away
-----Goodbye sunshine, goodbye day
----------Darkness Falls…
---------------Velvet night…
--------------------Not a star…
-------------------------Shining bright…
Suddenly I feel my hand in yours
-----Guiding me to virgin shores
----------Coming Home…
----------------Achings cease…
---------------------Finally…
--------------------------Finding peace.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Comments?
Kylpault
The only break in flow was the "And" in "And the twilight fades away". Starting a sentence with And usually breaks the flow, because no one really does it in writing, unless it's dialogue.
It did have a very nice beat to it. You are right, it does sound like song lyrics!
elreybon
Thanks for the Critique! I was thinking the "And" works because it falls were at a natural break in verses and I really needed the beat at the beginning of the line to make the meter work out correctly. Do you think it needs to change? I can try rewording.
By the way, I think you might be responding to my critique request posted in the writing forum. I actually wanted people to look at my first news post entry (labeled Hello World) for the poem "Story". I was a bit more worried about the flow in it because I worked on it so much it always sounds right in my head now.
Again thank you for the Critique!