Hello All,
I'm new to Newgrounds, but I am looking forward to being a productive part of this community. I've been looking for a creative community to be part of for some time and after looking around on this site I think I can grow here as well as help others in the community grow. If you ever need help or some feedback message me and please critique my work as well. I can't grow without constructive criticism. I will be using this news area to post some of my work, enjoy! My first little poem is below.
Thanks,
Lawrence
Story
by Lawrence Raybon
--------------------------
Dark of night
And storm filled skies
That’s how the story starts.
Heroes, villains
And the fools
They all must play their parts.
Deeds are done
Both fair and foul
Lives hanging by a thread.
One false move
a slight misstep
And favorites soon are dead.
Story ends
Good? It wins!
Or maybe it does not.
Fickle Fate
Meets writer’s hand
And births fantastic plot!
Kylpault
Hmm. I never really was much of a poetry guy honestly but I'll try and gut this poem for what it's worth.
Maybe it's just my music inclination, but the poem doesn't seem to come out strong. The short lines with no rhymes (no pun intended) towards the start make it a...don't know the right word for it, chunky maybe? Harder? Dunno. But what I was able to do to counter this was read lines A and B as just one line. For instance:
Dark of night and storm filled skies
That's how the story starts.
Heroes, villains and the fools
They all must play their parts
There also seems to be some type of alliteration in lines 2 and 3.
And Storm filled Skies
That'S how the Story StartS
But it seems to translate into a bit of a tongue twister with the two Ses(?) at the end of words. Perhaps it was unintentional alliteration?
Lines 4,5, and 6 are awesome. I read with an emphasis on Fools, with a strong F sound. It was a great word to put in there.
7,8,9. The D, F, L and TH sounds are very strong are are cool. It works well when talking about lives hanging by a thread. It's like power writing, is that a thing?
10,11,12. Line 11, I didn't like "slight misstep". I felt like I was stuck on S while reading the entirety of the two words. I have nothing against the letter S personally, it just seems...weaker than other sounds.
On lines 13 onward, the reverse is true. You shift the tone of the poem considerably into something lighter, so sounds like s, w, and i help tone down the seriousness in lines 13, 14 and 15. I didn't like Good? as it really breaks the flow with a pause in the middle of a line.
16, 17 and 18 is nice. Fickle Fate helps with the tone and the alliteration feels nice there. I let out a pffm when I saw And births fantastic plot! Light comical moment, worked well.
Hope I wasn't too critical.