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I am me!
Age 41, Male
Mississippi, USA
Joined on 10/24/13
Kylpault
The only break in flow was the "And" in "And the twilight fades away". Starting a sentence with And usually breaks the flow, because no one really does it in writing, unless it's dialogue.
It did have a very nice beat to it. You are right, it does sound like song lyrics!
elreybon
Thanks for the Critique! I was thinking the "And" works because it falls were at a natural break in verses and I really needed the beat at the beginning of the line to make the meter work out correctly. Do you think it needs to change? I can try rewording.
By the way, I think you might be responding to my critique request posted in the writing forum. I actually wanted people to look at my first news post entry (labeled Hello World) for the poem "Story". I was a bit more worried about the flow in it because I worked on it so much it always sounds right in my head now.
Again thank you for the Critique!